A different fate.

Sometimes I just get home from work and realize there’s really no one waiting for me home, we’ll except from my roommate who is leaving to take a break from the city life. So I’m pretty envious of my workmates who come home to their families after work. Aside that they have people to spend time with on their time off, they don’t go home to familiar yet unfamiliar faces everyday like I do. My roommate who is just a dormmate from a previous dorm is fine, but lately I’ve been having a hard time building close and deep connections with new people I meet, making it hard for me to invite them out to spend some time alone with me, like to go dine out or just window shop on my time off and I’m bored so I have no choice but to wait till my few really close friends in the city are available. I have moved to a new place so new people around and I’m pretty sure the only way I can have a close friend here is when I get to have new roommates who are very outgoing and friendly they can easily get me to their world. Anyway, this post isn’t even about people and my connections with them. It’s about how my lovelife has always sucked.

You see, I’ve been in 2 “lived in” relationships and both couldn’t work due to certain circumstances. I couldn’t make them last either because the more I stayed committed to the relationship, the more I would just frustrate and hurt myself. Aside from the fact I’m a really messed up person myself, I would also engage in another messed up person, worse, even more troubled ones. Not that we don’t all have issues in life, but I would usually make more bad decisions than probably most women my level. And those 2 guys I’ve cohabitated with already were not at their best life that time we had each other. They were both married and couldn’t afford annulment, they had really much more terrible issues than I could afford plus my immaturity to handle my own issues. Money was an issue but not much. We could easily keep peace in the house. It was always more about our personal healing, contentment, peace and personal goals towards our personal life and families we would never communicate about and other things that we never really thought mattered.

So I was careless and thought I’d be smarter with choosing a partner after what I’d had to go through but I didn’t stop there.. The reckless me tried and tried again and so I’ve met a few later on because I actually didn’t know what to do with my life. I didnt have a job as I was having a hard time finding my first job as someone who hasn’t secured herself a degree, who had to give up on something she thought she’d get before moving here because it didn’t seem like it was for me and these jobs I could get that suit me were nowhere to be found. But eventually, I finally decided I’d take a break from dating, and chances would have it, I got to rediscover and redeem myself.. I finally realized that it wasn’t a person whom I had to chase at that moment. It wasn’t what was going to make me the happiest. So one job to another, skills after skills, few acquaintances and friends to more. Failures and rejections after another but this time they weren’t related to love or dating anymore. Happy days and good days at work, chill days off and after shift dine outs with workmates.

From someone totally naive in love to someone less confident yet strives hard to have the kind of career I want, I’ve somehow gone a long way to which I have to pay a price for though. And this is the price. Me having to get envious of my friends and cousins and old batch mates who have found their love and started a family with. Having to put up with loneliness. I’m an introvert who loves alone time and staying at home but lately, I’m changing and now eager to explore the outdoors despite the pandemic but just frustrate myself cause my friends are busy with their jobs and we have different schedules and times offs. So sometimes I just ask myself why I have to be so unlucky in love? Why do other women find it easy to find someone good for them? Is it karma for my bad mistakes? Or it’s just really not my time.. but nonetheless, I’m getting sick and tired of the same routine everyday. Work-home-social media-sleep. I actually have someone I’ve a commitment with but he’s nowhere near nor are we able to be together soon. Not that I can’t wait though but I’ve been waiting for him already even before we finally made it clear we’re having the kind of commitment we have. And with his current circumstance caused by covid, he finds it even harder to make his mind about things. I am not complaining though. I just wish things had been a little better. I wish there was something else I can do aside from being patient and supporting him.

Anyway you see, this has been my fate. It’s like I always take a different path most of the time from women my age. It’s either I can’t have someone because they don’t help me keep my inner peace and doesn’t respect me or I have someone but I have to wait.. wait despite uncertainties. I don’t really even dream of being married yet. I don’t dream of having a baby yet. I still wanna be able to work, discover my potentials and save on my own although I’m kinda envious of those I see who get to stay home and take care of their kids like homemakers even though being a homemaker isn’t something I am prepared to do. I am still at the starting phase of adulting. I haven’t had enough of my child-free life. I really just wanna have someone by my side, no matter what. But I can and will wait.. I’m just saying all these since time is passing. I’m like ranting but not really ranting. Don’t get me wrong, I love the kind of freedom I currently have. The freedom to put off washing dishes and laundry, going to places, buying stuff and of course getting to support my family. But from time to time, I wish there was someone waiting home for me. Someone to tell to about my day at work. Someone to share bills with and share goals with. Like we all do.

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